Star Trek: Picard-Crusher
by hvgn
Summary: Beverly Crusher and Jean-Luc Picard go down to a planet only to return a week later unconscious and without any memory of the planet.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Star Trek: The Next Generation, or any other Star Treks. I only own the plot, which is from my very own imagination.**

**Chapter 1**

**Beverly**

The sound of the alarm rung in Beverly's ears as she ran. Only one thought pounded in her head. She had to get to Jean Luc. The forest she was running through was suddenly transformed into a long white corridor. She kept running. She had to get to Jean Luc. She turned down another long corridor, but when she turned the corner she abruptly stopped. There down the hall was an alien standing there, not moving. Her thoughts were getting more and more frantic. She had to get to Jean Luc. He was in trouble. She had to find him.

The ringing continued becoming louder and louder. She didn't think that she would be able to hear anything, but when the alien took a step towards her and opens his mouth, she hears his voice loud and clear. "Beverly," he said in heavily accented English, "You must help us. Please." His eyes pleaded with her. Then the alarm sounds began getting louder and louder again until she thought that she couldn't bear it anymore. Then the world began turning black on the edges until it was completely gone. Beverly awoke to the sound of her alarm.

The alarm turned off automatically, but Beverly had trouble shaking herself from her dream. It wasn't the first one like this. Ever since she had come back she had been plagued with these dreams.

She brought herself out of her bed, walking towards the sink to wash her face. She splashed cold water on her face and tried not to think about what had happened. She paused and looked at her reflection in the mirror.

As she stared at her reflection, she thought about the lies she would have to tell that day, the friends closest to her that she would have to deceive, and the truth that she had to keep hidden at all costs. Sighing, she clipped her hair back and mentally prepared herself for the day ahead of her.

**Jean Luc**

Jean Luc woke that morning feeling like he had been asleep for weeks. His thoughts felt sluggish, and his movements were slow and jerky. He made his way up to the bridge.

As soon as he entered the room, he felt like he was someone sneaking in a back door. Everyone turned around and looked at him.

Counselor Troi was the first to greet him. "Captain?! How are you doing?" She asked the question as though she were speaking someone that she wasn't sure was trustworthy.

"Fine?"

Riker walked up from beside him just as it looked like Counselor Troi was about to speak again.

"Does he know?" He asked, directing the question at Counselor Troi and practically ignoring him.

She looked at him sharply. "No," she said slightly forcefully, "He doesn't."

Riker looked back at him. "Sorry sir. I think Beverly wanted to have a word with you to bring you up to date on a few things."

Counselor Troi looked like she might slap Riker but instead she turned back to Jean Luc. "Beverly just has to bring you up to date on a few things. We will take care of things here while you go to talk to her."

Jean Luc was extremely confused and worried. If something had happened to one of his friends or family, he knew that Beverly would be the one to tell him. Hoping that this wasn't the case, he nodded at Riker and went to find Beverly.

He found Beverly exactly where he had expected, the medical wing. When he walked in she had her back to him, and she could see that she was working on something, but she put it quickly away when he walked in.

When Beverly turned around, she looked startled to see that it was him. "Jean Luc! When did you get up?"

"Just awhile ago." Jean Luc went right to the question that was on his mind. "Beverly, did someone die?"

She was startled by his outright question but answered anyway. "No, Jean Luc, no one is dead."

Relief washed over him before more confusion settled in. "Then what do you need to tell me?"

She answered hesitantly. "What is the last thing you remember?"

He thought about it. "Star Fleet called in and asked us to send an exploration crew down to a planet we were passing by. They asked specifically for you and me to be on the team."

Beverly nodded as if this didn't surprise her, but she had hoped for a different answer. "Jean Luc, Star Fleet called you with that message close to two weeks ago."

He shook his head. No. That couldn't be right. They had just called yesterday. Yet, he knew if he could trust anyone about this, it would be Beverly. He looked back at her for more explanation.

"As you said, Star Fleet called about an expedition. The final team included you, me, and two others. When they tried to beam us all down, we went, but for some reason the other two weren't able to beam down with us.

"They tried reaching us on our comms, but they didn't work either. After that, they tried beaming us back up. It didn't work." Beverly stopped and took a deep breath. She looked at him to see if he believed her story. He nodded for her to go on. Although it was a far fetched story, he felt it was true.

"Will decided that they should wait for a few days before sending a rescue team down on a ship. The final decision was that they would keep trying to beam us back up, and if in a week we still weren't back, they would go to the planet whether or not Star Fleet approved.

"Almost a week passed, and they still weren't able to beam us back up. The last try was done to be that morning. Fortunately for all of us, the last try successful, and we were both beamed on board. We were unconscious, but alive." Beverly stopped to let this sink in.

Jean Luc thought about the stiffness of his limbs and the way that everyone had treated him as though he were a ghost. It all made all made sense, but he still didn't understand one thing. "What happened on the planet?"

Beverly looked at him. "We have no idea."

Her words were right, but there was something in her eyes. She was holding something back. "What do we know?"

"What I just told you." Beverly wasn't even meeting his eyes now. She was obviously holding something back, and that scared him. "What is it Beverly?!"

"Neither you or I retain any memory about what happened..."

Jean Luc waited, hardly controlling the urge to scream. What was she going to say?!

Beverly finally met his eyes. "Though you were virtually unharmed, I was... My arms..." She trailed off. Instead of finishing her explanation, she pulled up her shirt sleeve, wincing. "Jean Luc, look."

He could hardly comprehend as he looked at the mess of skin that used to be Beverly's arm. There were cuts and bruises that were just beginning to heal and in a few spots, whole layers of skin were gone. The thought popped into his head before he could stop it. Torture.

Beverly tenderly brought her shirt sleeve back down. Taking a deep breath, she looked at him and forced a smile. "I think that is lots to take in right now."

He had more questions, but he realized that she needed her space. Jean Luc nodded and got up. He felt wrong leaving Beverly alone, but he knew that was what she wanted.

He reluctantly made his way to the door. He looked over his shoulder before leaving the room. "Thank you Beverly."

"You're welcome Jean Luc. If you have any more questions, you can find me later and I will do my best to answer them."

He nodded and left the room. When he looked back one last time before the doors shut, he could see Beverly sitting in her chair with tears growing in her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Beverly**

Beverly's eyes were already filling with tears as Jean Luc left the room. She turned her back to the door so that he wouldn't see her cry. She thought that she had been ready to tell him. She really had. But when he had come into her office demanding an explanation, all her defenses had come crashing down.

Beverly put her head in her hands and breathed in deeply. She couldn't tell him. For the sake of a species, and Jean Luc's sanity, she could keep it a secret.

Exhaling all the air in her lungs, Beverly sat up in her chair. She could do this. Beverly turned back to what she had been working on before Jean Luc had come in. Yes, she had to remain strong. The past was in the past. All that was left for her to do was protect the future. Piece of cake, Beverly thought to herself, nothing harder than what you have already done before.

Despite her optimistic thoughts, Beverly still groaned inwardly as she looked at what seemed like a hopeless cause in front of her. She couldn't help but to think about how much easier it was when she had friends to help solve her problems with her.

**Jean Luc**

He felt like a drunkard, stumbling through the halls. Thoughts screamed in his mind, all demanding attention. Who was on the planet? Why were we able to beam back up? And the most frequent, How did Beverly get hurt?

Jean Luc found himself automatically going to his quarters. Although he knew he should check in at the bridge, he just wanted to rest first. He entered his quarters and fell into the inviting couch.

He had only been lying there for a few minutes when a chime sounded from the entrance. Jean Luc sighed and sat up, turning toward the door. "Come in!" He said, and the doors slid open.

Will Riker stepped in the door, looking uncomfortable.

Jean Luc gestured to the seat across from him. "Why don't you sit?"

"Thank you Sir," Will said as he sat down on the offered seat. He was trying to act casual, but Jean Luc could tell that something was bothering him.

"So, what brings you here Number one?"

"I just came to see how you were doing sir. You don't remember anything of the past two weeks?"

"Nothing." As Jean Luc studied Will, he could tell that he had been changed in the two weeks that he had been in command of the Enterprise. "Will, why are you really here?"

Will was silent and didn't answer his question. Jean Luc decided to venture an answer himself.

"You know that you can't blame yourself for the hard decisions that you had to make as captain."

Will shifted uncomfortably and Jean Luc knew that he had deduced correctly about what was bothering him. He continued. "When you are captain, you are forced to make hard decisions. You have to accept that you made the best decision that you could at the time with the knowledge that you had."

Will nodded, but didn't seem completely convinced. There was a pause before Will spoke.

"I understand what you are saying, but what if the decisions that I made caused harm? What if I could have rescued you if I had sent another rescue team? Would…" his voice cracked. "Would Beverly have been spared the torture?"

Will couldn't have shocked him more if he had punched him in the gut. Jean Luc hated to admit it, but he had had the same thoughts. Why hadn't they sent a rescue team? It hadn't made sense to him. Then Will's words clicked in his mind.

"Number one," He waited until Will was looking back at him. "Did you say another search team?"

"Yes sir." Will seemed puzzled by his words. "Did you think that we wouldn't send a search team?"

"Sorry, it's just that…" Jean Luc hardly knew how to finish his sentence. He knew Beverly hadn't told him about a rescue team. "I guess Beverly had other things on her mind when she explained about the planet. What happened?"

"When we first weren't able to locate you, we assumed you were dead or held prisoner." Will winced as he mentioned being a prisoner. Jean Luc knew he was thinking about Beverly's torture. "Naturally, I send down a rescue team. They returned hours later with the shuttle on autopilot and its occupants unconscious."

He took a shuddering breath before continuing. "They woke later with no memories about what they encountered on the planet. Starfleet advised us not to send down any more search teams and I listened for a while. We all thought that you were dead. We stayed by the planet for a week, trying to find your life signs; finally finding you a week after the shuttle went down, injured and unconscious."

Will fell silent. Jean Luc let him think before speaking again. "You made the best decisions you could."

He nodded. "Thank you sir."

Will still wasn't making any move towards the door. Jean Luc suddenly thought about something.

"When did you leave the planet?"

He looked as though he had been expecting the question. "Soon after we beamed you aboard. We received new orders from Starfleet to a nearby planet. So far I have handled all of the communications, but of course you are welcome to take over the mission whenever you feel up to it."

Jean Luc only had to think about it for a second before coming to a decision. "Will, I would like you to finish this assignment from Starfleet. I will be honoured to offer advice, but this will be your assignment."

Will looked surprised for only a second before a huge grin appeared on his face. "Thank you Sir!"

Jean Luc nodded. He knew how much it meant for Will to complete this mission. It wasn't anything that he had done wrong in his most recent commanding of the Enterprise, rather Will feeling he had to prove himself.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Will got up to leave. Jean Luc was so tired that he hadn't even noticed when Will had first stood up to leave.

"Thank you, Captain," Will was almost out the door when he turned around, remembering something. "One more thing. Deanna asked me to tell you that when you are feeling better, you should stop by her office to talk."

"Thank you, Number One."

Will must have heard the exhaustion in his voice, because he left his quarters without another word.

When the doors shut after Will, Jean Luc immediately slouched in his chair. He felt as though he hadn't slept for weeks.

Sighing, Jean Luc picked himself up and went into his bedroom. He lay down on his bed, too tired to even pull the covers up around himself, and stared up at the ceiling.

Jean Luc wondered how Beverly had been so collected. According to what she had told him, she couldn't have woken up too much before him. She must have... Jean Luc's eyes were already drooping. He was so tired...

The first thing that Jean Luc saw was grey. Grey walls, grey floor, and grey ceiling. The room he was in had the appearance of a quickly thrown together prison cell for two humans.

Two humans, He thought. Yes, that was right, Beverly was the other prisoner. Beverly! Where was she?

Just as these thoughts crossed his mind, Jean Luc heard footsteps. He looked around himself for something to grasp. Finding nothing of use, he turned back to the door just as it swung open. Before he could do anything, Beverly was pushed through, and the door was quickly shut behind her.

Jean Luc went towards her, about to grab her arm before he noticed thtreed seeping through her uniform. Why did her uniform have red arms and legs? His thoughts were slow and it took him a minute to realize that Beverly was still wearing her blue uniform. The arms and legs of Beverly's uniform were soaked red with blood.

Jean Luc reached out his hand to touch her arm, but when his hand should have met skin, it kept going. Beverly's panicked eyes met his. He opened his mouth to say something to comfort her, but no sound came out.

Suddenly, arms reached though the grey walls and grabbed Beverly, pulling her backwards! Jean Luc tried running towards her, but his feet were rooted to the spot. When he tried yelling her name, still no sound came out.

Jean Luc could see Beverly was screaming, but no sound reached his ears. As she was dragged right through the wall, he could do nothing but stare.

Just as the wall completely closed behind her, the paralysis broke, and he was able to move again. Beverly's screams rung in the room, as loud as if she were standing right next to him.

Jean Luc ran to the place he last saw her, pounding futilely on the grey wall that had just taken Beverly away from him again.

The walls twisted and the floor moved under him, knocking him off his feet. He felt completely out of control as he tumbled around and around and around. Beverly... He thought helplessly.

Jean Luc woke from the dream shaking.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Author's note: _**_Finally, another chapter is up! It feels like forever since I posted. Sorry for the delay! I am a bit of a perfectionist, reading it, then reading it again, changing some things, reading it again... in any case, it is finally posted! Reviews are VERY MUCH appreciated! Though I might not reply, I really appreciate them and any constructive criticism you have is also welcome. :)_

_Thanks to all of you who are following the story and/or posted reviews! All of you who are reading this story, thank you! Electronic cookies to all of you!_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**BEVERLY**

Beverly stared at the small vial of liquid in front of her, a mixture of excitement and dread swirling through her. She had worked so hard to get that little bit of liquid. She only hoped that it worked.

Beverly picked up the vial. It was time to see if all the hard work had paid off. She started the genetic testing program, carefully putting a drop of the liquid into the empty compartment. Checking to see that the other compartment still had some of the scraps of genetics that she had managed to get, she sat back.  
When she was satisfied everything was where it was supposed to be, Beverly sat down, holding her breath as she started the program. She watched the screen, waiting for a result. This had to work.

The words that blinked on the screen made her heart plummet when she read them. DNA ALTERATION UNSUCCESSFUL.

She almost threw the vial still in her hand at the screen in front of her. Beverly stood forcefully from her chair and slammed the useless vial on the counter. How could it not work? Beverly was aware that she was now pacing the room forcefully, but she didn't care. This was impossible. There wasn't any solution.

Almost immediately, Jean Luc's words from the Prytt base rung in her head. There is a way out of every box, a solution to every puzzle; it's just a matter of finding it.

You should try this then, Jean Luc, She thought, mentally answering him. Beverly wanted to talk to him in person, ask his advice... something.

A shiver ran down her spine, finally putting a stop to her pacing. She couldn't speak to any of her friends anymore. She was alone. Beverly collapsed back into her chair with the crushing reminder that science wasn't her only problem.

Beverly had faced seemingly unsolvable problems before and had managed to find a solution. She could do it again, but it was making it so much harder when she couldn't tell any of her friends.

Exhaling all the air in her lungs, Beverly reluctantly turned back the screen. Reminding herself why she was doing this, Beverly picked up the abandoned vial.

**Jean Luc**

Jean Luc knew that there was no way that he was falling back asleep after that dream. He thought about going to the bridge, but he didn't want to seem like he was questioning Will's decisions by being there.

Instead, Jean Luc found himself wandering the halls aimlessly. When he passed by Counselor Troi's office, he made the decision to go inside.  
Pressing the button by the entrance to signal his presence, he wondered if he should have come later. Jean Luc didn't even know for sure that she had time to talk to him.

He didn't have to wait long for the doors to open. Deanna's voice drifted out, questioning.

"Hello?"

Jean Luc cleared his throat and entered the room. "Hello Counselor."

"Captain!" She said, not sounding too surprised to see him. "What brings you here?"

"Will told me you were wished to see me."

She smiled. "Yes, but that wouldn't be why you came."

"True," he said, knowing there was no arguing with her.

"Why don't you sit Captain?" She asked, gesturing to the lounge chair.

"Thank you Counselor," Jean Luc said, taking the offered seat.

After he was settled, she spoke again. "So what did you come to talk about?"

Jean Luc knew there was no way to get around the question. Though he had not realized until she had asked that he had actually come for a reason, when she asked him, the answer was clear.

"Beverly." He didn't need to continue. Jean Luc knew that Deanna would understand what exactly he meant.

Deanna's eyes misted over and Jean Luc knew that she was just as worried for Beverly as he was. "Yes. Did she tell you about the planet?"

He nodded. "As much as she could."

Deanna looked away, an awkward silence filling the room at the reminder of the close call that they had had.

Jean Luc broke the silence abruptly, the words coming out before he could stop them. "Counselor, Beverly's arms..." He trailed off, unwilling to finish the sentence.

Pain flashed in Deanna's eyes. "Did she show you?"

When he nodded, she continued. "Beverly insists she is fine, but those who have seen her arms and legs would disagree."

Jean Luc went pale. "Did you say arms and legs?"

"Yes," Deanna said, her voice soft. She looked up back at him suddenly. "She didn't show you her legs?"

He nodded mutely, not finding himself as surprised as he should have been. "No, only her arms."

"But you already knew?"

"Yes, he said, his voice weak. "But no one told me."

Deanna looked at him, surprised. "Was it a guess?"

"Not quite." He paused for a second before continuing. "I had an odd dream before I came here. In the dream, I was in a cell by myself when Beverly was brought in, bleeding from both her arms and legs. When I woke, I dismissed it as my imagination creating improbable situations."

Deanna was thoughtful. "Captain, did it feel like a dream?"

He bristled. "Counsellor, Beverly was dragged through a wall."

"Did it feel real?"

"It – " He began protesting before he realized that protesting against Deanna's questions was futile.

"Yes," Jean Luc said softly, looking away from her piercing eyes. "When I was in the cell and Beverly came back in bleeding, it felt like a memory, not a dream."

They were both quiet, absorbing what Jean Luc had said.

"How does she do it?!" He burst out, unable to control his frustration anymore. "She was tortured on that damned planet and she behaves as though it were just a regular mission!"

"In many ways, that is the only way that Beverly can deal with it..." Deanna trailed off, leaving the sentence hanging.

"But?"

She paused before finishing with an explanation. "You know that Beverly woke about two days before you did?"

"I had deduced as such."

"When she awoke in sick bay, though Beverly obviously felt some confusion, what I felt from her was mostly concern, logically for your health. She insisted upon treating her own wounds, rather than having them treated in sick bay."

He considered what she had said, knowing that that behavior would be natural for Beverly. She always put other peoples needs ahead of her own. Her torn arms flashed in his mind and he flinched, knowing that that could very well be what had happened on the planet.

He stood up, shaken from their conversation and needing time alone to think. "Thank you counsellor."

Deanna smiled, but her eyes still looked sad. "Come back soon captain."

He got the feeling it was more of an order then a request, so he just nodded. It had helped him talking to Deanna and he had learned some valuable things that Beverly has left out.

He left the room feeling like a burden had been lifted from his shoulders after talking about the dream. Now, if only it could be explained to him.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Author's Note:**__ Thanks again to all of you who reviewed!_

**Chapter 4**

**Beverly**

The last thing she had wanted to do that night was to have more nightmares, but as soon as she closed her eyes, a barrage of images attacked her. Jean Luc, her captors, the dying face of the little girl.

Her latest dream had been even worse. She had again been brought back into the memories of her childhood. This time, though, she didn't have her grandmother to understand and comfort her.

Beverly got up. She had been lying on her bed for a half hour now, the screams of those who were dying and the sobs of those left behind resounding in her ears. Beverly had to get away from this accursed bedroom.

Damn, she thought, when is this ever going to stop?

Beverly put on her uniform just in case she bumped into someone and left her quarters to roam the halls. Soon she was wrapped up in her memories and dreams as she wandered the halls. Anyone that went by her waved, but they never got any response from the travelling figure.

Old and new memories mixed together, creating new horrors every minute. Beverly was wandering around the ship that had been her home for many years, yet she saw none of her surroundings, instead only seeing the horrors of her childhood.

The halls were beginning to fill up, more people bumping into her to get to their appointed duties on time, but Beverly remained trapped in her memories. Her wide eyes looked around, only seeing death and disease.

Unaware of the people around her, Beverly sank down to the floor with her head in her hands as sadness overcame her. Her quiet sobs cut through the air as everyone on the bridge stared at her.

Beverly was oblivious to all this, however. She was in back to when she was a child, sobbing on a floor similar to this one with her Nana behind her. When a tentative hand reached out and touched her shoulder, she knew it was her Nana coming to comfort her and she leaned into it.

**Jean Luc**

Jean Luc had been surprised when he had received a communication from Alyssa Ogawa that morning, but had been more surprised when he had learned why she had contacted him. She had asked him if he had seen Beverly that morning, then reported that her shift had started a half hour ago, and the doctor still hadn't shown up.

After reporting he hadn't seen her that morning, he asked the computer her location, finding that she was on deck 8. He was a bit worried, since it wasn't like Beverly to be late for her shift, but he dismissed it as absentmindedness. He couldn't blame her for wanting to take time off of work.

He sent a communication to Alyssa saying that Beverly wouldn't be working that day and if she did show up for her shift, she was to tell Beverly to get some rest. Trying not to think much about it, he continued about his business, hoping that she would be fine.

Jean Luc made his way to the bridge, deciding that he would go out of his mind in his quarters. When he arrived, a conversation from Will and Deanna caught his attention.

"I bumped into her and called her name, but she didn't respond. It was as though she was somewhere else." Will's voice sounded worried, something that Jean Luc wasn't used to hearing from his cheerful Commander.

Deanna's voice was soothing, but there was a slight edge to it. "She didn't even make eye contact?"

"No," He said, shaking his head for emphasis. "She looked right through me as though I wasn't even there."

Jean Luc interrupted their conversation, unable to hide his curiosity. "Who might you be talking about?"

Will replied first. "Dr. Crusher. I bumped into her on my way here."

"Beverly?" He asked, needing conformation.

Will was surprised to hear his captain use Beverly's first name on the bridge, but he nodded.

Jean Luc was shocked. Maybe that was why he didn't hear the doors sliding open behind him, but the startled expressions on the crew's face was what caused him to turn to look at the source of their astonishment. He almost fell over when he saw who it was.

"Bever-" Her name died on his lips when he saw her expression. Her eyes were wide and looking around violently. Beverly took a few more steps and then, seeming to be overcome with fear, she collapsed to the floor, head in her hands.

The entire crew on the bridge stared in shock at the sight of their CMO crying on the floor of the bridge.

Jean Luc was the first to move, urged by the sound of Beverly's crying. He walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. When she felt his hand in her shoulder, she didn't respond at first, but then leaned into him. Beverly kept crying and he kept his hand on her shoulder.

When at last the sobs subsided the tiniest bit, she turned to face him.

Her eyes were unfocused, not seeming to be looking directly at him. He was startled to hear her speak and even more so at the words she said to him.

"They are dying, Nana. All of them." Her words were broken by sobs that tore through her body.

"Beverly," Jean Luc said disparagingly.

Her cries stopped immediately, and her tear-stained eyes snapped to his.

"Jean Luc?" Her voice was sharp and confused. Realization was dawning in her eyes and she pushed herself away from him.

She walked backwards quickly, struggling to get away from him. She stumbled, almost falling, but catching herself before too much damage occurred. When she was standing again, he could see in her eyes that she was registering where she was.

"Beverly?" He ventured hesitantly. "Are you...well?"

"Yes sir," she said, still taking in the astonished faces around her. Beverly turned to him again. "I should be getting to sick bay now."

Her voice was strong, but Jean Luc knew her too well and saw the pain, fear showing in her eyes.

"Would you like someone to accompany you down to sick bay?" He didn't want to let her go, though it was evident that whatever had gripped her before had now gone.

Beverly's eyes flashed. "I am quite capable of finding my own way to sick bay, Captain."

He flinched. "Bev-Dr. Crusher, I believe it would be best for someone to accompany you down to sick bay to ensure you make it there safely."

Beverly looked about to protest again, but then decided against it. Her eyes shifted to someone behind him, seeming to come to a decision.

"Actually, I would like for Deanna to accompany me."

Jean Luc turned in surprise to see Deanna behind him. She met his gaze, her eyes asking permission to go. Though he knew he shouldn't, he felt hurt that Beverly had chosen for Deanna to go with her. He gave a slight nod to indicate his consent.

Deanna walked by him to Beverly, snaking her arm around the taller woman's waist. Beverly leaned into her, putting her weight onto her friend's shoulder as they left the bridge.

The stunned eyes of the crew followed them out. The senior staff that was present shared anxious glances.

Jean Luc's eyes never left the doors that had slid shut behind Beverly.

It hurt him to see Beverly in such pain. Slowly, using all the self control that he had, Jean Luc turned his back to the lift.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's note:**__ Sorry it has been so long since I have posted! It has been a busy summer and a busier school year! I hope to have another chapter up soon, however! :) I hope you enjoy this chapter and, as always, I want to thank everyone who reviews and has followed this story! BIG SMILES FOR ALL OF YOU! :D :D :D :D :D :D_

**Chapter 5**

**Beverly**

Beverly knew that her friend was nearly bursting with questions when they left the bridge. Though she dreaded the confrontation, she knew there was no avoiding it.

Deanna's arm was around her waist pushing her insistently to Beverly's quarters. Neither of them said anything until they were inside her quarters.

When the doors shut behind them, Deanna stepped back from Beverly, turning to face her.

"What did you see?" Deanna's dark eyes were worried and hurt.

Beverly looked away, tears gathering in her eyes against her will. "Arvada III."

Understanding dawned in Deanna's eyes, confirming Beverly's suspicions that Deanna had read the files on her by her previous personal counsellors. Beverly had never spoken about the incident to anyone on the Enterprise and was thankful that Deanna had never brought it up.

Deanna was quiet for a moment before asking her question. "When did you start getting the nightmares again?"

Beverly smiled forlornly. "They have come and gone, but this was the worst I have had in a while." That was yet another lie, mixed with some truth. The nightmares had never gone away, but they hardly ever got this bad.

"Why didn't you tell me?" The hurt was evident in Deanna's voice.

Beverly looked apologetically at her. "There was nothing that you could do. I have been through enough therapy sessions and counselling to know that."

"How come it never showed?"

"The nightmares didn't get as bad." Or her acting skills had improved. Immensely. "The last time I had hallucinations was after Jack's death."

Deanna winced and Beverly was regretful that she hadn't talked about this with Deanna before.

"Not even when your Grandmother died?"

"No, though I have to admit, I did expect to." Beverly gave a weak laugh, trying to lighten the conversation.

"Why now?" Deanna would not be deterred.

Beverly shook her head, unwilling to answer the question with another lie.

"Was it the planet?" Deanna pressed.

Beverly sighed, knowing that she wasn't getting out of this conversation without some explanation.

"My subconscious mind is mixing memories of the planet with memories of my childhood." That statement was true at least.

Deanna cringed, but continued with her questions. "Does that mean that you remember what happened on the planet?"

Beverly shook her head vigorously. "No, and honestly," she looked at Deanna, "I don't think I want to." No, she most definitely didn't want to. But she did.

Deanna blinked back tears and Beverly had to focus above her shoulder instead of looking at her face to keep from her own tears from escaping.

Beverly knew that her expression on the bridge must have been enough to scare everyone there, but not only had Deanna been subject to her best friend walking around in a nightmare, she would also have felt Beverly's terror and panic. She felt a lump grow in her throat as she thought of how awful it must have been for Deanna.

"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to stay with you? I can move into your quarters until your nightmares get better." The desperation in Deanna's voice nearly broke all of Beverly's resolve.

She shook her head. "But next time I am having nightmares, I promise I will tell you." It was yet another lie, but it was the least she could do to comfort Deanna.

"Thank you." Deanna said in a quiet voice. She understood what it meant coming from Beverly.

Beverly looked away. It was getting harder and harder to continue this lie when she knew how much it would hurt them when they found out.

"Deanna, I just…" She paused and looked pleadingly at her friend. "I think I need some time alone for a while."

Deanna moved reluctantly towards the door. "Send me a communication if you need anything. No matter what time it is."

She nodded, knowing that she would probably never send that communication.

Deanna went through the door, but didn't exit, staying in the doorway for another minute.

"Did you want to talk to Will or Jean Luc?"

Beverly considered her question before replying. "I might want to talk to Will. Do you think you could ask him to come down when he has a spare minute?"

She nodded, but still didn't move.

Beverly gave her a playful shove on her shoulder. "Go. I will be fine."

Deanna left reluctantly, watching over her shoulder as she left.

As the door slid shut behind her, Beverly collapsed to the ground, leaning against the cold metal of the door. No matter how good of an actress she was becoming, it was an exhausting act to do all day long. She had been telling more lies than truths recently.

Leaning her head against the cold metal of the door behind her, she looked up at the ceiling. As she stared at the contours of the ceiling, a faces began taking shape. First it was the pale face of the dying girl, then her Nana, then her mother. She tore her eyes away from the ceiling, jerking herself up from the ground.

Too many ghosts haunted her memory. She had to resolve this. She had to find closure.

Beverly sat down in front of her computer. Maybe she should thank Jean Luc for taking her off of work. If she didn't have to report to sickbay, she would have more time to work on her own project. She started her program on the computer.

**Jean Luc**

Jean Luc waited in tense silence with Will Riker for Deanna to return. When she finally did, she looked shaken.

She made her way slowly towards them, the look on her face putting him on edge.

"What is it?" He asked anxiously.

Deanna looked around them at the curious crew around them and gestured to his ready room.

The three of them moved into the privacy of the room.

Will spoke before him, obviously just as nervous as him as to what the news could be. "What happened?"

Deanna looked solemnly at them, her eyes unfocused. "She had a relapse." Her voice was slightly monotone.

They fell into shocked silence as the implications of her words sunk in. The raw fear that Jean Luc had seen on Beverly's face was enough to make him shudder at the thought of her having such nightmares before.

"Of what?" His voice was weak.

"Beverly suffers from nightmares that sometimes manifest themselves into hallucinations. This was one of those occurrences."

"How do you know about this?" Will's voice sounded broken and detached.

"The only reason I know about this before was because I had read all of the previous counsellor's files on Dr. Crusher. There were many more files than I had expected."

They were silent, absorbing the information.

"What are they about?" Jean Luc almost wished that Will hadn't asked. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what had caused the fear that had been in Beverly's eyes.

Deanna hesitated before answering. "I don't completely know. She told the counsellors that her nightmares had stopped, but I have a feeling she only said that to get out of the therapy."

"Can we fix it?" There had to be something to help Beverly. Anything...

Deanna shook her head. "Anything I can think of has been already attempted with disappointing results. The best that we can hope for is that they get better again."

"Can I see her?" The desperation in Jean Luc's voice was palpable.

Deanna looked at him empathetically. "I don't think you should go yet. Until she asks you to."

Deanna turned slowly to Will, still watching Jean Luc out of the corner of her eye. "She asked for you to come see her."

Jean Luc knew why Deanna was now looking at him sympathetically, because she would have known that the news hurt him. He was filled with questions. Was there something that he had done to Beverly unconsciously? Was he inside some of her nightmares? Was that why it was so hard for her to look him in the eye recently?

"Can I go down right now?" Will's voice drew Jean Luc back to the present conversation.

"I would give her a while first. She was a bit shaken."

Will nodded. "I better return to the bridge for now. Captain." He dipped his head at Jean Luc before leaving the room.

Jean Luc felt the weight of Deanna's eyes on him before he even looked at her.

"Captain, there is something that you should know about the planet you were on."

Jean Luc perked up, eager to have some answers.

"Beverly wouldn't tell you this and I doubt that she let me tell you if she knew."

Now he was really curious. "What is it?"

"The planet..." Deanna hesitated, though Jean Luc thought that he, of all people should have the right to know this. "The Federation had recently found traces of the same disease that had affected Arvada III on the planet that you and Beverly were on."

Deanna walked to the door, leaving him absolutely stunned alone in his ready room.

The pieces fell together. The nightmares. The relapse after visiting a planet she had no memory of being on. The fact that it was only him and Beverly sent down to the planet. The fact that Beverly was sent down to the planet and not another doctor.

Jean Luc sank into his chair.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Beverly**

After Deanna had left, she had managed to immerse herself into her work, blocking out the rest of the world. Now, reality was crashing down on her as she stared at the screen.

-DNA alteration successful-

Beverly's hands shook as she looked at her computer screen. She had been so afraid of failure, she hadn't stopped to think of the consequences of success would be. The block letters on the screen blurred as her eyes filled with tears.

She jumped as a chime from her door jerked her back into the present moment. Quickly, she hid all evidence of what she had been doing and turned around to see the doors of her quarters opening.

The worried face of Will Riker appeared through the doors. Her body relaxed, but only slightly. He had no idea how easily he could jeopardize her mission; and the lives of many others.

Will didn't move from the entrance. She spoke first.

"Come in." She took a seat on the sofa, leaving both the chair and other side of the sofa open for him.

He sat down on the chair, pulling it nearer her. Will's distressed face broke her resolve for silence.

"Will, I – "

"You don't have to explain," He said, pulling her hand into his. "Deanna told us."

Beverly nodded, partly relieved that he had stopped her from telling him everything and partly sad that she hadn't told him.

"So, Bev, how are you doing?"

She couldn't even muster any energy to get upset at him shortening her name, just shaking her head as reply. Beverly looked down at her feet as tears filled her eyes, concentrating hard to keep them at bay.

Seconds later, she felt his arms envelop her. Gratefully she put her head on his shoulder, letting a few tears escape before squeezing her eyes shut. Thankfully, Will didn't pull away as she gave shuddering breaths to push back the tears and clear the lump in her throat.

When she was calmer, Beverly felt Will's arms relax against her. She pulled away, looking at him again.

"What's wrong?" The worry that shone in his eyes made her insides quiver with guilt.

A response assuring him that she was fine flitted across her mind, but she pushed it away. Will deserved the truth; at least what she could tell him.

"The nightmares…" Her voice shook and she stopped to take a breath. "The nightmares are getting worse."

Will was quiet for a second. "Why?" He asked, voice breaking.

Beverly shook her head, not willing to create a larger web of lies than what she had already twisted.

There was an awkward silence between them for a moment before Beverly spoke, attempting to divert the conversation.

"Thank you for coming by. I was beginning to wonder if Deanna had remembered to ask you."

She pleaded with Will with her eyes to leave the topic alone. Beverly could see the cloud of thinly veiled questions in his eyes, but he seemed to understand what she was asking.

Will smiled, though the movement was forced on his usually open face. "She told me that you asked for me to stop by; however, she also requested that I wait a while before to give you time to think first."

She gave a light laugh to try to defuse the tension. "Yes, that was probably for the best."

He smiled again and they fell into another awkward silence, which Will broke this time.

"Is there anything I can do to help with…" He trailed off, watching her carefully to gauge her response.

"Thank you," she said, silently telling him that she understood the offer he was giving her to always be there for her. They were quiet, each wrapped up in their own thoughts.

Will must have noticed the way that Beverly was leaning much of her weight against the couch arm, or how bagged her eyes looked, because he began getting up from the chair.

"Beverly, you have to get some rest."

She smiled weakly. "Thank you Will. For always being there."

"I always will be there for you, Beverly."

Her eyes began misting again, and she blinked to stop the tears from overflowing. "I know."

"For that matter, any of us will do anything for you." He watched her carefully, and she could guess what he was going to say. "Including the Captain."

Beverly nodded, looking away. She knew that quite well. That was the very reason she had to hide the truth from them, him especially.

Beverly stood up and gave him another hug, struggling not to break into tears.

She pulled away after a few seconds, looking at him again. Beverly spoke through her constricting throat. "Will, could you do me a favour?"

He nodded, looking in her face for a sign of what the request might be.

"Could you apologize to Deanna for me? Maybe it could be excusable that I didn't tell any of you about my hallucinations, but as my best friend and personal councillor, she had the privilege to know."

"Don't you think you should tell her yourself?"

Beverly nodded quickly, "Yes, but I thought that you would see her first, and I wanted her to know… sooner."

Will nodded, but his eyebrows remained pinched together in consideration.

She spoke before he could dwell for too long on her words.

"Thank you for coming by, Will."

He grinned, though she could tell that it didn't quite meet his eyes.

"Anytime, Beverly."

She smiled reassuringly at him. He understood the indication of her silence and went to the door, but paused before he exited.

"Beverly, you really should talk to the captain. He is very worried about you."

Beverly nodded sadly. She should. But she didn't know if she could keep up her lies around him. She was worried that he would talk to her and see through her lies. Or that he would start remembering what had happened on the planet.

Will exited her quarters, the doors sliding shut behind him with a final swish.

Turning back to the room, her shoulders slumped. She looked at her screen, remembering the words she had seen only minutes before.

DNA alteration successful. Beverly sighed. It was time to prepare for departure.

**Jean Luc**

Deanna's words repeated in Jean Luc's mind as he paced his quarters. I don't think you should go yet. Until she asks you to.

Beverly had made it clear on the bridge that she hadn't wanted him accompanying him down to sickbay and made it clear again when she asked Will to come visit her that she didn't want to see him.

Jean Luc guessed that it could be the disease on the planet that was causing the nightmares to become so severe, but that didn't make sense if Beverly couldn't remember anything that had happened on the planet.

There seemed to be no explanation for nightmares except that she did remember the planet and had seen the disease. But if that were the case, it meant that Beverly had lied to them all about what had happened.

Jean Luc shook his head, confused. It seemed to keep coming back to the same thing. Either Beverly was lying, or she was telling the truth. The problem was, she was the only one knew the answer to that question and she was currently ignoring him.

He sat down on his bed, staring at the wall. He thought about his dream, his thoughts drifting to re-imagine the grey cell from his dream.

Jean Luc again heard the footsteps come down the hall, stopping in front of the cell and the doors opening quickly to push Beverly through.

The first time he had dreamt this, he had only seen the blood on her arms and legs, not looking the red on her uniform. This time, however, Jean Luc imagined zooming in to the picture, looking at Beverly's face. To his surprise, the image responded to his thoughts, focusing on Beverly's face.

Her face was tired and Jean Luc could see the tear tracks that were still visible on her face.

"Beverly, come here." That was odd. He hadn't thought about saying something, but he had spoken.

His imaginary arms moved without his thought and Beverly moved forward, crying in his embrace. After a minute of her crying, imaginary Jean Luc spoke.

"Beverly, what are they doing to you?"

She leaned away from his arms, looking up at him as she spoke. "They don't mean to hurt me, they just…" She trailed off.

"What do you mean they don't mean to hurt you? Have you looked at yourself?"

"No, it's just - " She stopped abruptly. "Shit."

"What?" Beverly hardly ever swore, so if she was swearing, the situation was dire. "You know too much. There is no way they are letting you go now."

Beverly turned around and began banging on the door she had come through.

"I give up! You win! I will come with you!"

Beverly's form began blurring on the edges, becoming more and more indistinct.

"No," Jean Luc muttered to himself, trying to visualize the walls again. Still Beverly kept dissolving before him until he was again staring at the walls of his quarters.  
Jean Luc blinked. There was no way he could have imagined any of that.

He stared at the wall in front of him, trying to comprehend what he had just imagined – no – remembered.

What did this mean? If what he had remembered was all true, then he could have been the reason that Beverly had given up. And what had happened on that planet? Who had cut Beverly?

Jean Luc stood up, pushing away his thoughts for the time being. It was time to talk to the only person who could hopefully answer some of his questions.

He was going to talk to Beverly, whether she wanted to talk to him or not.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Author's note:**__ Sorry it has been a while since I have posted! I kept changing this chapter, literally having at least 7 versions of this chapter. I finally sat down this afternoon, telling myself that I was going to put this chapter up today! And here we are! :)_

_Anyhow, to everyone out there reading this, I wish you a Merry Christmas! And thank you for reading my story! I hope you enjoy it! :)_

**Chapter 7**

**Beverly**

Beverly wound the gauze tightly around the thigh of her leg. She was careful, in her doctor way, not to wrap it too tight or too loosely. It was still odd for her to be the one on the receiving end of her treatments.

Through Beverly knew that her injuries on her arms and legs were minor and could easily be healed given the medical equipment available in her office, she had wanted these injuries to heal naturally. It was a little punishment for the lies she kept telling her was also a reminder that what had happened on the planet.

After she finished wrapping her legs, Beverly reached for another piece of gauze to begin her arms. Beverly had hardly started wrapping her arm when a chime sounded from her door.

Glancing down at her loose pyjamas and gauze on her arms, she ignored the door, hoping whoever it was would leave. A second later, Beverly heard the sound of the doors sliding open. Heart sinking, she glanced around the room. It appeared she was getting company whether she wanted or not.

Beverly hardly had time to make sure that the computer wasn't showing any discriminating evidence before she heard someone walk into the room, then stop.  
They didn't speak at first and Beverly carefully moved her eyes from her screen to the entry door.

Her heart leapt in her chest as she saw who it was.

Jean Luc.

**Jean Luc**

Jean Luc stood frozen in the doorway, staring at Beverly's turned figure, getting a perfect view of her arm, gauze hanging off the top of her arm.

Beverly turned to look at him, stopping when she saw who had come.

"Jean Luc," she said, her voice coming out half as a sigh.

Jean Luc averted his face from her sad and tired eyes.

When Jean Luc looked away, it was then that he noticed the state of her bedroom. Items were strewn across the room, littering the bed and floor. Clothes were stacked into two distinctive piles, one significantly larger than the other. Medical equipment was also scattered across the floor and another large pile on the bed.

Beverly spoke as saw him absorbing the chaos. "Sorry for the mess. Somehow I managed to get out of working today, so I decided I would make use of the time and do some rearranging and sorting."

He looked back to see her with a faint smile on her face as she looked at the mess on her bed. Jean Luc hadn't realized how long it had been since she had smiled until that moment and his face immediately broke into a mirroring grin as her mirth grew.

A flicker of pain crossed her eyes before her head dropped down, breaking their eye contact.

"Do you think you could help me with this?" She asked looking hopelessly at the gauze hanging off her arm.

Jean Luc swallowed hard. "Of course." His voice cracked slightly as he looked at the sight of the open wounds on her arm.

He pulled a chair from the side of the room to her side and sat down on it, hesitating only a moment before beginning to unwrap the gauze that she had already begun wrapping.

Jean Luc worked in silence, the image of Beverly banging on the wall and screaming at the people who had done this to her filling his mind.

"It's been a while since-" She cut off with a sharp intake of breath as he pressed slightly too hard on one spot. He immediately stopped and looked at her anxiously.

"It's fine." Beverly said, waving her free hand.

Jean Luc continued wrapping, even more carefully now. After a few seconds, Beverly continued her sentence.

"It's been a while since someone else has done this for me. It feels-" She stopped again for a second to take a breath, "Strange to be on the receiving end of treatment."

Jean Luc was quiet for a second before replying. "Beverly, none of us will think less of you, or think of you as weak if you ask for help sometimes."

Beverly nodded silently. "I do know that."

He looked up at her face. "Then why haven't you gone to sickbay for this?" Jean Luc gestured to her arm.

She looked away from his gaze before she responded.

"I am a doctor. I know how to treat my injuries."

"And you are telling me as a doctor that you shouldn't go to sickbay?" She didn't respond, telling him he was right.

"Beverly," He said softly, "You don't have to do everything by yourself. Asking for help does not make you weak."

"I know," she said softly. "I've been trying to let things go, to let people close to me again."

Beverly's words touched his heart and he wanted to reach over right then to wrap her in his arms and never let her go, but he knew that she wasn't ready.

"Thank you for trying, Beverly."

Beverly looked up, blinking tears from her eyes. "I am sorry for not telling you about the nightmares, Jean Luc. They were getting better, I promise, but when they started getting worse, I knew I was just hiding and postponing what I knew would happen one day, but I didn't want it to happen. There were times when I would go to Deanna's office and be about to tell her. I would have been giving pep talks to myself all morning but when I got to her office, every time I came she would look so happy to see me and offer to go to lunch, clearing her schedule just so that we could go together, I knew I wouldn't be telling her that day. I kept thinking how when I told her she wouldn't see me as a friend anymore, only a patient! And it was worse with telling you or Will. You probably wouldn't even have known about what type of hallucinations I was having, and you wouldn't understand, just look at me like I was crazy which would have been worse." Beverly stopped to take a breath of air.

If it had been different circumstances, Jean Luc might have smiled at her rambling speech. This was more like the Beverly he knew.

"Shh, Beverly," he said, his voice soft.

She quieted, looking at him. She looked at him with eyes so sad and broken that he couldn't take it anymore.

"Beverly," Jean Luc said suddenly, "What do you remember about the planet?"

Beverly leaned away from him, surprised and frightened. "What?"

"Please don't lie again. I don't have any proof, but I think you have remembered some things, which is why your nightmares are getting so much worse."

Beverly didn't speak, instead bringing her knees up to her chest and leaning her forehead against her knees.

After a few minutes, she lifted her head, talking to a spot right above his right shoulder.

"I don't remember anything." Her face was blank as she said this, not meeting his eyes.

His heart fell as she spoke to him, knowing that she was lying before she was even finished. She remembered something, but she wasn't telling him what.

Jean Luc got up from his chair. "Well, I had better be going then. Good luck with your room." His voice was monotone.

Beverly finally met his eyes since he had asked her what she remembered. She looked startled and Jean Luc wished that he could stay with her, but he knew that if she didn't want to tell him what had happened on the planet tonight, it wouldn't help if he stayed.

Jean Luc turned away from her penetrating gaze as he walked toward the door.

"Wait." Beverly's voice made him freeze. He turned around to look at her.

"You're right." She said to his shoulder. Beverly moved her gaze up to meet his. "I do remember some things about the planet."

Jean Luc waited for a few second to see if she would elaborate. When she didn't he prompted her. "What do you remember?"

Beverly paused a moment before shaking her head. "I can't tell you just yet."

Jean Luc nodded, trusting that Beverly would tell him what he needed to know when he needed to know it. Everything else she would tell him when she was ready. He also understood that Beverly needed some time alone now.

He walked to the door again, pausing only once he had left the room to look back at Beverly. She was still in the same position as he had left her, staring at the wall. It hurt him to leave her like this, but he knew that she needed some time alone to think, though he wanted to stay so much it practically hurt.

Feeling his gaze, Beverly turned to look at him. She gave him a faint smile.

"Thank you, Jean Luc," She said quietly.

He nodded, swallowing hard. "See you in the morning then?"

Beverly's eyes became unfocused again as she nodded. "In the morning."

Jean Luc stepped back, letting the doors slide shut between them.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Author's note:**__ First of all, I'm sorry it takes me so long to update! Secondly, Thank you all for the encouraging reviews! :) Thanks for taking the time to read my story! You guys are amazing!_

**Chapter 8**

**Beverly**

Her heart racing from the adrenaline provided from the pressing fear of being caught, Beverly stared at the shuttle controls in front of her. Her eyes began burning with the sensation of approaching tears. She blinked hard to clear her vision again, the controls focusing again.

She brought her hand forward, hesitating before she touched the controls. Beverly should have left minutes before, but she found herself hesitating. It seemed as though as soon as she touched the shuttle controls that it would be so… final. That as soon as she touched the controls, there would be no turning back at all.

Beverly turned and looked at the compartment where she had all her supplies, wincing when she saw the lock on the outside. Who was she trying to trick? There already was no turning back from this. She had made her decision ages ago on the planet when they had threatened Jean Luc.

Facing the controls once again, Beverly took a deep breath and put her hands down on the cold metal.

**Jean Luc**

Jean Luc was still sitting in his room. If he had expected Beverly to come for breakfast, it hadn't been a mutual understanding, since she hadn't shown up that morning.

He had been trying to tell himself that it was only a misunderstanding and that he had no right to be angry at her, but his emotions weren't listening. It was probably a good thing that Jean Luc hadn't seen Beverly all morning, or he might not have been quite as civil as he should.

When he thought about their conversation, he knew that they hadn't even ever talked about meeting for breakfast, yet when they had agreed to see each other again in "the morning," he had assumed that it meant that she would be coming for breakfast and they would soon return to their comfortable breakfast routine.

It had hurt Jean Luc to leave Beverly last night that he took comfort in the thought of seeing her for breakfast, so when she hadn't shown up… well, he had been angry. Now, though, he had gotten over his anger and was only worried as to why he hadn't seen her all morning.

"Computer, what is the location of Dr. Beverly Crusher?"

"Dr. Beverly Crusher is beyond my capacity to detect her presence."

"What?" Jean Luc mumbled to himself, brows furrowed. "Computer, what is the location of Dr. Beverly Crusher on the Enterprise?"

"Dr. Beverly Crusher is no longer aboard the Enterprise."

Jean Luc's jaw went slack and he had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He slumped in his chair. It was possible that the computer had made a mistake, or they had the name wrong, but his gut told him that she was really gone. Nonetheless, he was going to be absolutely sure before he did anything else.

Jean Luc got up and hurried to Beverly's quarters. On his way, he bumped into Deanna.

"Counsellor Troi!" He said as she walked by.

"Yes Captain?" She said as she turned, confused.

"Have you seen Beverly?"

Her face pinched in concentration as she thought for a minute before shaking her head. "No, not since we left the bridge together. However, I did get a message through Will that she apologized for not telling me about her hallucinations."

"She sent you a message through Will, not telling you herself?"

"Yes, I believe she told Will that she wanted me to know immediately. Why do you ask? Is there something wrong?" Deanna looked questioningly at him, sensing his nervousness.

"Something wrong?" Jean Luc said, his voice raising. "No," He said sarcastically, "no nothing's wrong. Beverly is just doing as she always does and taking matters into her own hands."

Deanna looked worriedly at him now. "What happened?"

He slumped and he appeared defeated, his voice sounding tired and desperate. "I am not sure yet. The computer says that Beverly is no longer aboard the Enterprise and I was just heading over to see if she was in her quarters."

Deanna frowned, looking troubled. "Are you quite sure that it said she was not aboard the ship at all?"

"Yes!" He said angrily, but the lowered his tone and spoke again. "I'm sorry. I'm going to go check her quarters now." He started walking again and Deanna followed him a few seconds later.

When he got to her door, he didn't even bother with the door chime and just entered the code that she had told him before. He hoped she hadn't changed it… ding. Yes! They were in.

He walked inside with Deanna right behind him. When they moved through the entrance way, he nearly tripped over a table that had been tipped over.

Jean Luc stared at the room in front of him. A gasp sounded from behind his shoulder. In a daze, he stepped forward and more into the room that had once been Beverly's living room.

The room was an absolute mess, with the tables all pushed out of their customary positions and drawers opened. There were papers and pillows strewn around the room, some of the medical equipment he had seen the night before, along with things he'd never seen before.

He walked carefully forward, avoiding the items on the floor. When he got to the door leading to her bedroom, Jean Luc stopped and took a deep breath. Deanna stood behind him, but didn't say anything.

Bracing himself for the worst, Jean Luc pushed open the door. When the door swung open, the first thing that registered was that Beverly was not there. All his hopes that she was there crashed and he might have crashed right then if something hadn't caught his eye.

Her bed was the only thing in this room or the other that was completely clear of anything, except one item. There, sitting on her tidy sheets, was a note.

Hands shaking, Jean Luc walked forward and picked it up.

_Jean Luc,_

_I'm sorry I missed breakfast._

_~Beverly_

That was it. No explanation, no assurance that she was safe, that he didn't have to worry about her.

He almost tore up the paper in frustration. Deanna suddenly touched his arm and he almost jumped. He had forgotten she was there.

"Can I see it?"

Jean Luc nodded mutely and handed her the note.

Deanna read it with a furrowed brow, flipped it over, then handed it back to him.

They were silent for a minute before Deanna spoke. "She's gone."

"Yes." Jean Luc said, his voice wavering. "The question is; is she coming back?"

They looked at each other, each with different thoughts running through their minds.

Deanna's soft voice broke the silence. "Where do you think she went?"

Jean Luc turned his head, all his suspicions about Beverly being confirmed. "I think she went back to the planet."


	9. Chapter 9

_**Author's Note: **__Busy busy busy! That is my life, and probably most of you out there reading this! Our church's Girls group is planning a big event for this week, which I am running a game for! It is western themed and we have been having so much fun with that idea! I found this great belt with a giant flower buckle on it for my outfit. Anyhow, sorry it's been so long since I updated. I keep apologizing because I really want to update more than I do, but I never get the time. Oh, well. This is a short chapter, but I figure it is better than nothing. :) Enjoy!_

**Chapter 9**

**Beverly**

Beverly had safely made it off of the Enterprise with the shuttle, avoiding setting off any alarms or giving anyone an alert to the dispatch of her shuttle. It had taken an hour of preparation and planning, but she had made it. Now the planet was coming into focus in front of her. Hours ago, it had been a mere dot on the map. Now it was a gigantic surface looming ahead.

Just a few short minutes later, she landed on the planet. Pulling her hands off the controls, Beverly turned around in her chair, looking at the door. This was it. The final chance to turn back and try to save herself.

"No," She said aloud, shaking her head. "You can't back out now, Beverly."

Breathing in deeply, she grabbed her bag and hit the green button to open the hatch.

The deserted surface of the planet greeted her. Stepping out of the shuttle slowly, surveying the area around her carefully, expecting something to jump out at her at any moment.

It would only be a short period of time before they found her. They would have seen her shuttle land and would already be headed towards her. Beverly only had to wait.

Beverly looked up to the sky and for a second thought she saw the Enterprise above her. She blinked and it became a cloud, slowly dissolving in the wind.

Tears grew in her eyes which she quickly blinked away.

"Goodbye," Beverly whispered. She wasn't sure if she was saying goodbye to her friends she was leaving behind or her life as a doctor that she could never go back to. Or was she saying goodbye to a specific person on that ship who she was always drawing nearer to, despite the circumstances?

Beverly ripped her gaze away from the sky. It didn't matter what, or who, she would miss the most. They were all gone.

She stepped forward, further away from her shuttle and any chance of escape.

**Jean Luc**

"What? Why?" Deanna's questions exploded at Jean Luc's confession.

He shook his head. "I don't know why, but Beverly was holding a lot back about what happened on the planet."

Deanna frowned, thinking. "I felt that she was holding something back… I thought it might just be things from her nightmares." She said absently. "Are you sure that she remembers everything?"

Jean Luc paused, thinking. "She told me that she remembered some of what happened on the planet when I pressed her for information. I have a strong suspicion, however, that she remembers everything that happened on the planet."

Deanna shook her head. "I don't understand why she would keep this from us."

They were silent, searching for an explanation that would tell them why their closest friend would betray them all so horribly.

They looked at each other, buried in their own thoughts. Beverly was gone, back to the planet with the people who had potentially tortured her.

Why did you leave, Beverly? Jean Luc thought desperately. Why couldn't you have told me what was happening?

"Why would she go back?" Deanna's voice broke through his thoughts and he looked up abruptly. Her words sunk in and he thought about what she meant.

"I don't know. Maybe they were blackmailing her?"

What if I was the blackmail? What if the only reason that Beverly went back to the planet was because of him? Maybe there was something that had been implanted in my head and they would kill him when they pressed a big red button and Beverly would do whatever they said to keep him safe and they would make Beverly do whatever they wanted until they finally killed him anyway and Beverly would finally be able to escape, but it would be too late for the universe, because they had made Beverly –

"I don't think they are using you as blackmail." Deanna's voice cut through his thoughts.

He looked at her, stunned that she knew exactly what he had been thinking. It might have been because of her betazoid blood, or maybe he had muttered something about killing himself so Beverly could be safe… either one could be true. Jean Luc was so frazzled, he really didn't know if he had just been speaking all his thoughts aloud.

"Why not?" He asked,

"First, you are here. Second, you got a complete physical when you got back, so they didn't plant anything in your body. Third, Beverly brought you back. If you were in danger here, she would not have come back." Deanna says this sensibly, ticking the reasons off on her fingers, yet even though it made logical sense, he found it hard to absorb.

"So what should we do?" Jean Luc asked doubtfully. He was unaccustomed to asking other people aboard his ship what to do, but this was a completely new circumstance.

"We find Beverly and bring her home." Deanna said determinedly.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Author's Note:**__ So here I am posting another chapter in the same day. I did not plan this. However, what can I say, the writing bug got me! :D Anyhow, this is another shorter chapter, but it's better than nothing... I hope! I hope you like it!_

**Chapter 10**

**Beverly**

The creatures in the giant suits were surrounding her from all sides, pressing her towards everything that she had dreaded since departing this dreadful place. She remembered this from last time she was here. They never showed their faces to her, unless it was to tend to their sick or wounded. At least through that she knew that they were humans.

Jean Luc hadn't had that comfort. He had been so baffled and frustrated with not knowing what species was behind the suit. The only time they had been alone had been in the cell, which Beverly had known was always monitored. She was unable to tell him anything when they were there.

Not that it had mattered in the end anyway. His memory was gone.

The suit in front of her stopped suddenly and she stumbled into him for a second before stepping back and regaining her balance.

Beverly had been so wrapped up in her thoughts she hadn't noticed the entrance to the native's home approaching. The person in the front stepped forward and banged on the giant metal trapdoor in the ground. A minute later, a small hatch opened and a voice spoke to the person in front, the words lost in the wind. The person in front said something back to them, some sort of password, she supposed. Maybe this was some sort of headquarters for their people?

The trap door swung open and their group moved forward again. All that she had seen of this place was underground. As far as she knew, that was the only way they could live.

Beverly glimpsed a door that was more modern than anything else that she had seen there yet. Of course the suits stopped in front of that door and parted to let her through.

The suit behind her who was holding her bags handed them to her and pointed towards the door.

Hesitantly, Beverly approached the door. When she got within a step of it, the door swung open. Taking a deep breath, she walked through the door.

**Jean Luc**

Jean Luc, Deanna and Will sat in the meeting room, staring stiffly at each other. Jean Luc had called this meeting together to discuss the disappearance of Beverly and what they could do to get her back.

Upon Deanna's insistence, he had included Will in this meeting. Jean Luc was still unsure about how much they could do together and hadn't wanted to include more people, but with respect to Deanna's wish, he invited Will.

Now here they were, not that this meeting would change his mind. He had already decided what he was going to do.

Will cleared his throat and Jean Luc and Deanna turned to him.

"So what are we going to do to get Beverly back?"

"I already reported her as absent, taking a vacation on her home planet, Caldos II." Jean Luc said, averting the question. They probably wouldn't like his plan, but it was the only way.

Deanna spoke up. "Why not report her as missing?"

"We will get her back, but we can't have Starfleet looking too. Not only that, but if she doesn't have proof for being blackmailed or forced into leaving, she could be accused of being a deserter and might never get a job back."

"But how do we get her back?" Will asked, pressing the question that Jean Luc had tried to delay.

"I also reported myself as taking an undefined amount of time on vacation to Caldos II. There is a private shuttle booked which will be flown to Caldos II by either a crewmember or by autopilot."

"What about – " Deanna interrupted.

Jean Luc continued through her question. "I am leaving you, Will, in charge of the ship. Counsellor Troi can focus on the rescue mission. I trust you can take care of my ship while I am gone."

"Sir!" Will said, jumping up from his seat, "I cannot allow you to do that! We can find her together!"

Jean Luc held up his hand. "I do have a plan, number one. Please calm yourself."

Will sat back down and was quiet, allowing Jean Luc to continue.

"Whoever was on the planet erased my memory for a reason. They wanted to protect themselves from whatever I remembered, but they also didn't kill me for some reason.

"I must trust that what held them back from killing me before is still enough now. I am going to go to the planet pretending as though I remember everything that happened on the planet."


	11. Chapter 11

_**Author's note: **__Okay. I am so sorry it has been so long since I have posted a chapter. I have been so crazy busy and had a little case of writer's block. But here I am again! I am currently working on Chapter 12 and hope to have it up soon! Thanks so much for reading this and I hope you enjoy it! I love to read your reviews, although I don't usually respond. If you do want me to respond, however, tell me in your review! I would love to talk! :)_

**Chapter 11**

**Beverly**

When her eyes adjusted to the bright light in the room, she saw a man walking towards her.

"Doctor Crusher!" The man said, walking towards her with his arms outstretched.

She flinched away from him. This was the first time that she had seen someone here that wasn't sick without a suit.

The man laughed when he saw her reaction. "Oh, come now, we are all friends here, aren't we?"

"I don't know you." Beverly said firmly.

"No, you probably wouldn't recognize me. But trust me, we have met before."

Beverly winced at the memories the previous encounters of the men in suits before, under much less favourable circumstances.

"What do you want?" Her tone was harsh.

"Ah, my dear, we all know what I want. Where is the cure?"

Beverly closed her eyes, focusing on the beating of her heart. Thump. Thump. Thump.

She opened her eyes again, calmer. "I have it in my bags. But I insist upon administering it myself and monitoring the patients personally. All the tests I did showed that this should work, but I didn't have as much time as I would have liked."

With a subtle glint in his eyes, he nodded his head. "Of course Dr. Crusher. Or may I call you Beverly?"

He wanted to call her Beverly now? Something that she reserved only for her friends? Him? After all he had done to her and Jean Luc?

She swallowed her anger and gave him a tight smile and, feeling sick to her stomach, she replied through clenched teeth. "Beverly is fine."

**Jean Luc**

There was a moment of complete silence after his statement. When his words sank in, Will broke into protests.

"Sir, you can't do that!"

Jean Luc looked sharply at Will. "You are in no place to tell me what I can or cannot do."

"Not to be rude, Sir, but we do." Deanna spoke softly, her eyes sad. "I am responsible for your mental and emotional health and I could easily revoke your authority by stating that you are mentally unstable. Due to the events of the past month, it would be a valid claim."

"Is that a threat, Counsellor?" Jean Luc asked, angry and hurt. He knew that it was only a defence, though. He hadn't thought of the possibility that they would oppose him so much that they would force him to stay.

Deanna looked at him, taking a second to respond. "Sir, last time you went down to that planet, you and Beverly barely survived. We couldn't reach any of your communications and the team that we sent down returned with missing memories. Do you really expect us to just let you go down to the planet? All they would have to do is to threaten Beverly and you know you wouldn't do anything. With all due respect, Sir, I really don't think you should go."

"But..." He began.

Deanna held up her hand, frowning. "However, I don't think we can stop you from going. We can at least help you."

"Deanna!" Will protested.

Jean Luc smiled. They had been through so much together; he couldn't think of anyone he trusted more to help him rescue Beverly.

"Thank you Deanna. What do you have in mind?"

"First, you need to figure how to communicate with us. They had some sort of signal scrambling device on the planet so that we couldn't get a connection to you. Just taking along your comms won't be enough if you can't disable the device. Try your hardest to find and locate the device scrambling our signals, but until then, we won't be able to communicate wirelessly. Bring signal flares so that you can tell us if you need an emergency extraction, however that would be a last resort and it would require Starfleet's resources and permission.

"Secondly, you need to have a better plan then pretending to remember everything. If Beverly does remember what happened on the planet, you have to trust that she had her reasons to keep it a secret from us. Whatever happened on that planet could be something that they want to hide or it might have been Beverly trying to protect you. Either way, it's too risky to pretend you remember. That could put both you and Beverly in a very bad situation. Assuming that Beverly is voluntarily working with them, then there is potential that you could also strike a deal with them of some sorts."

"What are we going to do?" Will asked, impatiently. "Just sit here?"

"Until the Captain contacts us we must stay impartial to the whole ordeal. We cannot intervene."

Will sighed angrily. "Fine. But let's talk to Data and find out what we can fit in your bags."

Jean Luc let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Beverly**

The sick lay in rows on the ground and for a second Beverly was overwhelmed by the amount of people. She froze, not knowing where to begin. The faces of the sick blurred and became the faces of her friends crying out to her to help them. Everyone she knew was dying. Had died. She shook her head, clearing it of her memories. She couldn't help anyone on Arvada III, but she could help these people.

Beverly turned to the man who had escorted her here. "Bring me to the patients who fell ill first."

The man nodded and gestured forward with his arms. "Follow me."

She followed him past rows of sick patients, several of them calling out for her to help them.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, they stopped in front of an elderly man. He lay still, so sick he wasn't even moving in his sleep any more and his skin looked yellowish.

Beverly immediately lay down her medical case, opening it to reveal the lines of purple liquid. Hoping she had enough for all these patients, she took a deep breath and grabbed the first vial. Her hand's shook the tiniest bit as she injected it into his abdomen.

"We should wait and see if he has a response to the drug before we administer it to the other patients," Beverly said to the man, her voice shaking slightly as she spoke.

"No time!" The man yelled. "Can't you see that these people have nothing left to lose?"

Beverly flinched. His voice brought back memories from when she was on the planet with Jean Luc. Her hands started shaking again.

Exhaling loudly, Beverly grasped the medical case again, gripping it tightly to try to keep her hands from shaking. "Alright. Who's next?"

* * *

It was about 5 patients later when the first man cried out.

Beverly rushed over. As soon as she was by him, he grabbed her hand, his grip tight on her wrist. "Lucille?!" The man smiled, his face twitching with the effort. "Lucille, you came!"

"I'm not-" Beverly tried to correct him, but he interrupted her.

"I love you Lucille. Always have." His voice was raspy and he paused after ever word.

Tears welled in Beverly's eyes. "Lucille loves you too."

The man smiled again and for one second, his eyes displayed clarity.

"I know." He said, closing his eyes.

Beverly sat forward, checking his pulse.

"He's – He's dead." She said, her words catching in her throat.

She turned to the man who had followed her here. "Who-" Beverly sniffed and cleared her throat before continuing. "Who is Lucille?"

"His wife." The man said, his eyes focused on the dead man. "She died last week from the disease. They were married for 49 years, never had any children."

Beverly blinked back tears. These people. They were dying too. And she hadn't helped them. It was just like before. She couldn't help them.

She hung her head between her knees, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. "Get up."

"No," Beverly said. "It's no use. It didn't work."

The man pushed her shoulders back, forcing her to look up at him. "Are you telling me that that little girl over there doesn't deserve a chance of survival?"

"I killed this man!"

"No, you didn't. This disease did. You were trying to help."

Beverly shook her head and looked away.

"Listen to me! Do you know how most people die from this?"

Yes, Beverly thought, she knew all too well how they died.

"All those people died in their sleep, but this man woke up! Beverly, your cure works, this man died because it was too late."

She looked up again, glancing at the dead body of the man. He was right. Beverly didn't like him, but he was right. And, she realized, he truly cared about his people.

"Please, Beverly, don't make it too late for everyone else." His voice was softer then she had ever heard before. "Don't give up."

Beverly slowly stood up, reaching again for her medical case. Wordlessly, she walked over to the little girl lying on the floor. She reached for another vial and injected her abdomen. Beverly brushed away the rest of her tears. She was going to do everything she could to save this little girl.

**Jean Luc**

This was it. He was in a shuttle about to enter the atmosphere of this alien planet. Beverly was somewhere on this planet. The planet they had been hurt on. He couldn't even remember what had happened, but he had seen the aftermath on Beverly's body.

"Enterprise to Captain Picard."

"Captain Picard here." He replied.

"Captain, this is Deanna. Remember what we agreed on. Green flare, we come in to get you and Beverly by force, involving Starfleet. Purple flare, you have retrieved Beverly and are coming back as soon as possible."

"Yes, Deanna. I am entering the atmosphere now. Communications should shut down momentarily. I hope to see you all again soon."

"Yes Sir!"

Jean Luc smiled as he turned off his comms. They were more like family then friends now, him and his crew. He hoped they already knew this. Because he didn't know if he would ever get the chance to tell them.


End file.
